I’ve just received a fantastic piece of news. Next week, I’m playing centre forward for Manchester United in a Premiership game. Now I never thought it would come off. I’m the wrong side of 50, not particularly fit and I’ve got two left feet. But I didn’t let that stand in my way. You see, I’ve taken my inspiration from the nation’s schoolchildren.  

Let me explain…  

Last year, a record 107,000 of them requested, and were granted special help in their GCSE and A level examinations. That’s more than double the number in 2005. These children have been given more time, the use of computers and other aids, in an attempt to help them counteract a whole host of physical and emotional problems including learning disabilities.  

I’m not really sure where the line is drawn between someone with learning disabilities, and someone who simply isn’t suited to academic examinations (or ‘duggies’ as they used to be known in my school). But it does seem from the figures, that some parents are increasingly using the system to gain an advantage for their children. We all have differing natural abilities, and I’m sceptical about the logic of discriminating in favour of children who are simply not as academically gifted as others.  

When I was at school, I was embarrassingly poor at art. Still am. If there’s an artist’s equivalent of dyslexia, then I almost certainly have it. I’m not exaggerating. My ability in that area has never developed beyond that of a five-year-old. But it never occurred to me (or anyone else) that I should be given special help in examinations. It was just accepted by everyone that I was crap at it – and would be better employed doing something else. And what’s wrong with that?  

Pretending that everyone is somehow the same, and should be given special assistance if they appear to be at a disadvantage just seems ridiculous. It flies in the face of the whole natural order of things which dictates that each of us ends up, on the whole, doing pretty much what we’re best suited to do. It sends us down avenues to which we are ill-suited, and diverts us from others in which we might thrive.   

Anyway, enough about that. You’re probably wondering how I came to be playing for Manchester United on Saturday…   

Well I got myself a trial, and told them I had physical learning disabilities. They were very sympathetic and arranged for the goalkeeper to wear a blindfold and the centre half to have his ankles tied together. They even gave me a little trampoline to use at set pieces. It was brilliant. I scored a hattrick, and now I’m in the team on Saturday.   

We’re playing Tottenham . It’ll be fine. Paul Pogba is a bit peed off at being left out, but it’s only fair…isn’t it?  

 John Harrison

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